My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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