Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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