I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
