It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
