What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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