New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
