There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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