Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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