I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
