Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
