so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
