If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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