there's paper in my vomit.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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