When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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