I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
