I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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