Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
