and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
