I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
