So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
vagina is talking i cant
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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