Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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