??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
