I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
