my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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