I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
