Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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