Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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