foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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