At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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