If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
