Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
