No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
