non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
