I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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