you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
