Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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