Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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