Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
