I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
