We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
