I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
