how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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