How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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