I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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