Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
