I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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