I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
