I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
