I cut my penus on the lid.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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