Barsexuality is the new black.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
