I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
