I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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