He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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